So, I have a few friends who are currently doing online dating. Well, they are doing online browsing. I think in order to be dating online you have to actually have met face to face or skype to skype or face-chatted or slap-chatted (whatever you damn kids are doing these days) basically something other then sending a kissy face or a wink or whatever overly cutesy somewhat nauseating thing they do on these dating sites to say “Hey, I might potentially want to have sex/marriage/future offspring with you based on the 1 x 1 photo I saw of you.
Way back in the day, I too did online dating. I wish now that I had kept a copy of my about section because I think it would be hilarious to go back and read what it is I wrote. I’m sure it was total bullshit and not even remotely me. The problem with being a writer is that (when I want to) I have mastered the art of sounding exactly like what a guy wants. Sometimes I even believe it when I write it. I mean, sure, I could have been a girl who was looking to take things slowly and see where things went…I’m wasn’t…but I could have been.
I have bipolar disorder so on any given moment I could be like “Don’t touch me, wait, come here I love you,” Actually, If I ever write a biography that is going to be the name of it. I’ve just decided this. I love these 2 am epiphanies.
But I digress. My point is, when you do online dating you are not really getting an accurate representation of who a person is because we are all weird, flawed and slightly insecure people or possibly overly self assured narcissistic douchebags and we don’t want people to know that until they have fallen in love with the thin outer layer of candy that we tack on over the bullshit.
People, generally, want to put their best foot forward because they want to stand out among the millions of other profiles. I was actually thinking about how I would describe myself in an online dating profile if I was to just throw it out there with 100% full disclosure.
It went a little something like this.
Title: Overly sarcastic, chunky, insecure, bipolar ginger seeks tall, bearded tattooed liberal for shockingly kinky sex and occasional household projects. (My family and friends reading this all just collectively face palmed and groaned)
About Me
I’m a 36 year old single mother of a 15 year old daughter. My parenting skills are startlingly lackadaisical and I frequently dye my daughter’s hair strange colors based on my own personal whims. I have bipolar disorder which translates into a relationship where half of the time you will think you’ve met the most amazingly calm, patient, rational, sweet girl in the world and the other half of the time you will contemplate keeping 911 on standby because I say things about torturing and murdering people with such conviction that you just want to be…prepared. You are smart to do so. Also, my housekeeping skills are also lackadaisical so if you have OCD I am not the girl for you. Well, half the time I am but the other half I am blissfully unaware of my mess and will have you rocking and crying in the fetal position at the disgraceful mess.
I am sarcastic to the point of obnoxious and at this stage in my life, I actually lack the capability of turning it off so it is like listening to the comedy channel on Pandora with the knob broken so you can’t change it. I cuss like a sailor. I pride myself on my ability to come up with new and bizarre combinations of swear words to unleash on my (suprisingly numerous) friends. I am extremely smart and I have this uncanny ability to spot bullshit from ten miles away though often I am too chickenshit or too cunning to call you on it because it might one day work to my advantage. I am also somewhat obnoxious about occasionally mentioning that I’m smart (see above) I don’t say this because I feel that I need to remind people of this. I say this because oftentimes I find that people talk to me like I’m a moron and I need to remind myself that it I am smarter then people think I am. Again, I know my strengths.
I am also freakishly loyal to the people I love and at times that means that I may embarrass you publicly by defending them loudly and with feeling. Also, I may potentially put your life in danger if I have been drinking and decide to loudly defend you, me, my friends or my family because though I (occasionally) like to start shit, I’m often incapable of finishing it and will not hesitate to hide behind you if I feel that my face might be marred in some way. Hey, a broken nose on a man adds character.
Also, I write smut. Hardcore, NC-17 occasionally fetishist, sometimes gay smut. A lot of it. I do it well. Good enough to get published once upon a time. I don’t apologize for it. I won’t feel bad about it and I won’t stop doing it no matter how much it offends some people or makes them uncomfortable.
I have tattoos. Four of them for now but several more to come. I don’t care what they will look like when I’m 80. Seriously, when I’m 80, my tattoos will be the least of my concerns. I will more then likely be chock full of Thorazine talking to the walls in a lovely state mental facility by then. I like guys with tattoos and people who embrace their individuality. I have no intention of doing anything other then exactly what I want to do I expect you to do the same and call me out on it if I try to make you do something because its what I want.
Oh, and in the spirit of full disclosure, I am a full on nerd. Not like the hipster, trendy I’m a hot cheerleader who wears black framed glasses nerd but a full on fan-girling, fan-fiction writing, comic-con obsessed, stupid t-shirt wearing lover of all things Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Who, Supernatural, The Big Bang Theory, The Vampire Diaries, Harry Potter and most humiliating of all, Glee.
Last but not least. I’m a girl. I’m an overweight, glasses wearing, often super insecure girl. I know that everybody expects girls to just love themselves but give me a break. I’m not hideous looking (I don’t think) but I’m also not shouting from the rooftops how hot I am. I don’t take compliments well but I will take them. Just know that I’m a lot more fragile then I look even if I hide it well.
What I’m Looking For…(This was actually harder then I thought mostly because this guy doesn’t exist and if he did he wouldn’t want none of this train wreck but here we go)
Looks: I’m somewhat fluid on this point because I have dated almost every type of guy. People who really know me know that they were often tall, muscular, tatted, occasionally bearded, often burly and had beautiful eyes.
I’m a sucker for a guy with pretty eyes and nice teeth. My mom used to say it was because we are horse people and that is how you know a horse isn’t sickly. My mom was hilarious. I am not obsessed with the idea they be tall but taller then me and definitely tough enough to stand their own as I can be a bit of a ball buster. (What? Shocking I know).
Personality: This is where it gets dicey. I am looking for a man who knows his way around a garage but also a text book. Education is important but it is by no means a real gauge of ones intelligence. I need a man who is smart, cultured enough to tolerate museums and broadway musicals but who will also take me to comic-con or the movies to watch Iron Man 3 and won’t die from humiliation when I sing every song from the show Glee out loud in the car interspersed between Katy Perry, Queen and the occasional hit of Metallica and 90′s alternative. Oh and if you could pretend to care about all the useless knowledge I have about pop culture that would be swell, thanks.
I cannot tolerate anybody who is racist, homophobic or in any way intolerant of other people for something that is an innate part of them. (I make this distinction because I full on support intolerance of people who are raging intolerant douchetastical ass hats). You can’t only be tolerant of the above things you must embrace them. As anybody who reads my blog knows I am very vocally supportive of gay and lesbian rights, anti-bullying, feminism and calling out disgusting hate groups like One Million Moms and the Westboro Baptist Church. I would never be able to be with somebody who was like “I don’t mind gay people as long as the don’t act gay”. It’s been said to me before. Can’t do it.
Also, sex is super important. (Whatever, don’t act like it isn’t) Sex would have to be way high up on anybody I dates list of priorities, like just under air and water. Again, not sorry. The more open minded the better.
I need a guy who can also keep up with me and my family sarcasm wise and who doesn’t shy away from healthy debates about super uncomfortable topics like religion and is it ever really okay for a man to rock a popped collar (sorry, couldn’t help it). You must enjoy board games, you must be emotionally available even when I’m not. Yes, I realize that makes me a hypocrite but that is why this is something I would never actually use to pick up a man.
I want you to be honest. If you are interested, say so. If you aren’t, fucking say so. I hate games. I know that sounds like a line but I never hesitate to say what I am thinking or feeling even if I should and I expect the same. I will tolerate head games for exactly long enough for me to figure it out and then I’m gone and no looking back.
Most importantly, I am not a materialistic person. I do expect somebody to tell me they care about me or not hesitate to say I love you. I will not deal with men who use words and compliments as some kind of reward to string girls along. I like to be reminded that there was a reason you fell for me in the first place. I do not need gifts or flowers or extravagant trips. I am most happy when a guy texts me for no reason other then he was thinking of me, calls me at the end of the day to talk or just doesn’t hesitate to tell me that he’s happy to see me. Random spontaneous sex is a great ego boost too.
I’m pretty easy in that particular respect.
So, in the event I ever (I won’t) decide to go back to online dating (I won’t) what kind of insane people would the above profile draw? I’m sure if I looked like a supermodel guys would overlook how incredibly insane I sound but with my crazy and my looks I’m thinking I would be sorting through a bunch of foreign nationals who are looking for somebody to marry them long enough for a green card. The bonus would be if he didn’t speak English I might appear less crazy/annoying.
PS This is why they don’t let me blog after midnight.
