I should preface this post by saying that I am currently under the influence of NyQuil.
I believe, more than anything, in magic because there is no possible way that anything but faeries created this magical Quil substance. Now there is DayQuil because you like that strange burning and flushed sensation but still need to work and there is ZzzQuil because sometimes you want to be just pass the fuck out but you aren’t sick enough to justify why you just chugged a bottle of the good stuff. But of all the Quils, NyQuil is my favorite.
Perhaps its because, when I was five, and had the chicken pox, my mom sedated me with the stuff for five days like it was Propofol or horse tranquilizers, to the point where I had hallucinations (true story, kids). Maybe I’ve always had this secret NyQuil habit. Don’t get me wrong, I can quit anytime I like. I mean, I don’t go around licking doorknobs hoping I get sick enough to justify drinking it.
It just so happens, that I am sick. How sick? Just the kind of sinus infection sick where you feel like somebody stuck an air hose up your nostril and inflated every sinus cavity to bursting. The kind of sick where I feel like I’ve been gargling with razor blades. The pain and the pressure make my face painful to touch and it hurts to swallow anything.
Enter NyQuil.
I’m not going to lie. Two nights ago I was in so much pain that I took a percocet. The problem with that is that I’m allergic to Percocet. So now I have to take Benadryl. So percocet makes me feel like I’m floating on the ceiling and Benadryl blocks my histamine response just enough to where I’m not clawing my own skin off from the hives. So I spend the entire night not in pain but not sleeping and sometimes scratching my arms like a tweeker coming off meth.
Why am I telling you this? Oh, because I was telling you why NyQuil is actually made of magic.
This is why…because NyQuil’s ingredients are all available over the counter. Like seriously, you could go to the drug store and pick up the individual ingredients and whip up a batch at home probably. Well, don’t try it. People will think you are cooking meth or something. Nobody will ever believe you are trying to make homemade NyQuil. They just won’t. I promise.
The thing is. If you take all those ingredients at the same time but separately, it won’t work as well as chugging that 30 mL dose of green sludge. Think about it. Even the color is sort of magical. So the only thing I can think of, is that the last ingredient has to be something like faery dust. Nothing you drink short of absynthe has that kind of color or makes that weird heat flush over your entire body when you drink it.
That is the actual magic working…I swear it is.
Oh and also, if you take this medication every six hours like it says on the bottle, you could literally sleep for like 150 years straight. I sleep so good on NyQuil when I’m sick that I sometimes only wake up to take more NyQuil. There is no sleeping pill on the planet that can help you sleep this well without a hangover.
Magic!
There slogan should be The Magical Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Gets You So Fucked Up You Won’t Even Care Your Actually Sick Medicine.
Going back to bed now.
